How to tell if a retirement community or care home is really LGBTQ+-friendly

Look for outside proof first

A few organizations train or assess care providers on LGBTQ+ inclusion. None of them guarantees how you'll be treated, but they show a provider has done the work.

In the US

SAGECare, part of the national LGBTQ+ elders charity SAGE, trains care providers and gives a credential to those whose staff complete it. A credential doesn't mean everyone has been trained. The standard credential needs half of managers and half of staff to complete a one-hour course, and the platinum credential needs 80% of each (SAGECare). Its website, sagecare.org, has a searchable directory of credentialed organizations.

The Long-Term Care Equality Index, run by the Human Rights Campaign with SAGE, surveys senior living communities on their policies and practices. In 2025, 274 communities in 33 states took part. HRC and SAGE didn't publish individual scorecards that year, but they did publish a list of the communities that agreed to be named, some marked as a Leader or High Performer. The list isn't complete, so if a community isn't on it, ask whether it took part and what it changed as a result.

In the UK

For years the best-known UK marker was the Pride in Care quality standard, run by Opening Doors, the charity for LGBTQ+ people over 50. Opening Doors closed in February 2024 after running out of money (Civil Society News), and we couldn't find anyone who has taken the standard over. Some homes may still show it from before then. If a home mentions it, ask when it was awarded and who assessed it, and put the questions below to it anyway.

Know your rights in a US nursing home

If you're looking at a Medicare- or Medicaid-certified nursing home, federal rules already protect some things that matter here. You have the right to visitors of your choosing, and the home can't restrict, limit or deny visits on the basis of sex, gender identity or sexual orientation. You also have the right to share a room with a roommate of your choice when that's practicable and you both agree (42 CFR 483.10).

Those rules cover nursing homes. Assisted living and independent living are regulated by each state, so the protections vary. Ask to see the community's own written policy.

Questions to ask on a visit

Take these with you. Ask the director, but also talk to the people who'd actually look after you.

Does your non-discrimination policy mention sexual orientation and gender identity? Can I see it in writing?

What LGBTQ+ training do staff get, how often, and when was the last session?

Do your forms have space for a partner or spouse, and for chosen family as emergency contacts?

Can my partner and I share a room or apartment? What if one of us needs a higher level of care?

How do you support trans and nonbinary residents, including names, pronouns, rooms and personal care?

If another resident is hostile because I'm gay, what do you do?

Do you have out residents or staff I could talk to?

Are there any LGBTQ+ groups or events?

Will you honor my healthcare proxy and my wishes about who visits, even if family members disagree?

If you haven't set up a healthcare proxy yet, our guide to estate planning for gay couples explains which documents to have.

Signs to watch for

Pay attention to how the questions land. A good answer is specific: a named training, a date, a policy they can hand you. Be wary of vague replies, and of "we treat everyone the same", which often means nobody has thought about it. If staff look uncomfortable being asked, that's an answer too.

Talk to residents if you can, away from the tour. Ask whether they'd feel comfortable being out there, and whether they know anyone who is.

If nowhere feels right

Many LGBTQ+ people decide they'd rather choose their neighbors than hope for the best. You could share a home with a senior roommate, or join or start a senior co-housing group with people who want the same thing. On Among Our People you can browse projects that are forming, or post your idea on the online notice board.